Monday, December 29, 2008

I hug my children a little harder, for a little longer

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
John 16:33

It is with a sad heart that I type out my thoughts tonight. I almost didn't write for fear it would be only a bunch of questions, questions all left unanswered.
My heart hurts, my chest is heavy with swells of pain, and in my logical mind I try to make sense of it all. I have always been logically minded and somewhat analytical. I thrive on making life fair, figuring out the cause and affect of my actions, being rational and in control. How greatly I deceive myself.
Reality is screaming in my face and all I have to answer back are questions.
Life is hard. The Bible doesn't promise a happy, perfect life, only
God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
John 14:26-27

My pain is minuet, my reality very pale, only slightly true, and barely harsh. Because the reason I feel all these things, is not for myself, but for someone else. A mother who is hurting and feels what I can't even imagine. My cousin's 8 month old baby passed away, on Sunday, from SIDS.
I want so bad to conclude my post with a nice summary, able to explain, or at least make sense of it all, but I can't.
Life is like this, no matter how hard I try, I can't make it all pretty. I can't avoid it or escape it. I can't take an ugly, sad situation and fix it or solve it, not even improve it. With my physical eyes and my logical mind, it doesn't make sense, nor is it reasonable.
All I can do is pray for my cousin. Every tear she cries God sees and all pain she feels God knows. The only true comfort and peace, come from Him. I pray that she will feel that and know that He cares.
Questions make me search, to look outside myself. In times like this, I realize my need for God. We were not created to live our lives independently. We are not here merely to live for ourselves. The questions I have, the answers I seek, are results of the way God designed me, to need Him. In needing Him, I find my purpose. Do I find all the answers I want? No, but that's okay. I don't have to have all the answers, or understanding.
My God is enough.

Psalm 73:23-28
Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.

2 comments:

Mom said...

Miranda,
Thanks for the comforting words from scripture. I needed to hear them and be reminded again, God understands, He comforts and can lift our heavy hearts. God's gifts of children to us are precious. No matter how long we have them here with us. I am reminded of and thankful for my little girl who God granted life to 26 yr. ago. I remember sitting in the hospital with you in isolation and praying "God she is yours and I trust you to take care of her." I am so thankful He chose to allow us to have you for all these yrs.
I love you and fail to say it ofter enough.
I LOVE YOU Mom

The De Witts said...

Miranda, I cannot understand it all either. I know the LORD is good. I know He is greater than death and that this little baby is with Him now. His word says that He gives and takes away, Blessed be His name. I am remembering your cousin in my prayers. The LORD can use all circumstances to do something amazing. Maybe He will fill her with a hope of seeing her baby again. You guys are all in my prayers. Maybe after the craziness settles we can start doing storey hour again. TAlk to you later.
micky