Okay, so I am back to confess again. To spill out my heart, of all it's not so pretty packages. I kinda 'fessed up a little last Monday, but truth be told, it was only scratching the surface. In fact, I've only been dustin' off my baggage for quite some time, months possibly, many months. I did get one thing right in that post from last Monday, it was that I have been in this desolate place before. I've experienced these emotions, the doubt, and the self loathing.
That's the part that's hard for me, that I let myself get to this pitiful place again.
What it boils down to, is I have been picking up burdens and carrying them around longer than I ever should've. They're all different shapes and sizes, all very heavy and bulky. SELF-PITY, is possibly the largest box. The outside is stamped with, "Nobody Understands All the Work You Do", "You're Under Appreciated", "Yours is an Endless Job", "You Give Up So Much of Yourself For Others", and "You Deserve..."
The box of GUILT is only a bit smaller, but more heavy. On the outside, is written in black letters, "You Aren't Good Enough", You Are Never Good Enough", "You Need to Accomplish More Things in a Day", "You Can't Keep Up", "You Should Be A Better Wife", "You Could Be A More Involved Mother", "You Neglect Your Friends", "You Should Have More Energy", "You are Impatient and Disorganized", and "You Don't Spend Enough Time with God".
In a little, ever so secret box, I carry is my BLAME. "If only Joe would understand...If only that person were where I am...If only I had a friend who understood..."
In another box, far too small, I carry God himself. See I put him in a box when I decided he didn't care about my little problems. As hard as that is for me to write, I really have believed this lie, along with all the rest. They're nothing more than lies, that I have chosen to believe.
So I picked up these lies, organized then and stored them away inside my clutter closet all nice and neat. Even though some of these things are true, e.g. "Yours is an endless job" or "You don't spend enough time with God", to turn them into self-pity or guilt is wrong.
At first, I had plenty of room to keep all these ugly things hidden away, but as time went on and I've added more trash, space had gotten tight. I started giving away my joy, my peace, my thankfulness, and my patience, to make more room for my precious boxes of ugly.
I've been feeling overwhelmed and burdened, first there was a leak or two. I tried to "fix" the troubles that escaped, by closing up my stores of stinky garbage. A few days later, I started piling on the blame. My self-pity has been dishin' out the nastiness. The doors of my secret closets burst open and it's content spewed out into the open. Today, I pretty much cleaned house, everyone else's first.
So here I am now, picking up the pieces, cleaning out the garbage and asking forgiveness. My poor husband, always gets the most of it. Maybe 'cause I know he is strong enough to take it.
Some one else, deserves an apology, someone that offers so much that...
He provides all my needs...
And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.
He cares for me...
1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
He restores my soul...
...he refreshes my soul.
He knows me...
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
He forgives me...
In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace.
He gives me peace...
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Bottom line is, I am always wanting others to fulfill my needs and blaming them when they don't, but only God can make me whole. Why I whine and cry about nobody validating me and listening to me is absurd. He's been listening and watching, just waiting for me to ask for a little help.