Thursday, October 8, 2009

I need you Jesus

You know that glazed over blurriness that comes when your eyes fill with more tears than they can hold? Well, that's how I feel right now. Maybe I use that description because that is exactly where I'm at right now. I just can't handle anymore.
Mommy's are supposed to be energetic and fun. They're supposed to be playful and vibrant. I don't feel like any of those things. Expectations are so dangerous, this time in my life is not how I imagined me being a mother. I feel like I've been pushing and pushing, waiting and waiting to be that energetic mommy. I've tried to ignore the guilt and keep the frustration at bay, I've tried to be positive and continue to hope for tomorrow. Thyroid issues, thyroid surgery, screwed up levels, mono and even more whacked out numbers in my labs.
Tonight, it just all can't be held together anymore. For five days I have been sick and miserable. For five days, I have questioned my sanity. For five days I have missed my life. The life with my kids and my husband. I've been quarantined, just me and my thoughts, and my misery. That's a scary place to be. My expectations grew, building, waiting to finally see my kids, especially my baby.
It's not favoritism, if Jenna were 3 or 5 it would be different, but right now she is 17 months. I've missed her sweet love, her cuddles and her affection. {You can't buy that stuff you know.} For five days I've waited til I couldn't wait any more, so I went to see them, all of my precious babies.

With a heart full of excitement and expectations I walked up to the door of my parents house.

I've seriously been treated more affectionate by other people's children than my own tonight. Jenna stared at me, as if I were a TOTAL stranger. She wanted Joe and laid on him, not me. Not her mommy that is really, scary in need of some heart-melting make-me-feel-all-better. I was am crushed. I have never been insecure of my childen's love. If they want Joe or my mom over me, that has never bothered me. Jenna will reject coming to me sometimes because she wants to stay with Phillip Leon someone else, but this was different. I guess it ruptured all the hurt that's been growing.
It's not their fault that they didn't make me feel better. I don't doubt their love for me. I am so thankful they have a Mamma who takes such great care of them, loves them, and teaches them. I say this often, we couldn't make it without her, and I mean it. Especially, in times like this.
We recently talked about going through difficult times in our life at Bible study. About what is the purpose and how will we handle it. That's what I've been asking myself, but more importantly asking God, "Is this really necessary?"
I want to learn and grow, I want the purpose for this time my life to be accomplished. Learning and growing hurts, and right now I'm not really fond of God's plan to get my attention. Stripping away all the stuff that makes me happy and makes this life about me is painful. Five days in I can see the need. I see my dependence on so many things, including my children's affection and need for me.
On my ride home to our quiet house, the tears were running and I thought, "God this really hurts. This is so unfair. Mono, God? My thyroid is so messed up too! Why? Why did you have to let this happen too?"
I remembered this scripture I read yesterday,
Ps. 22:19 But you, O Lord, be not far off; O my strength, come quickly to help me.
And then I saw it.
Can you see it too?
It was happening,
I realized my need for Jesus.

So many things fill my life, fill my time.
Good things,
blessings.
So many things fill me need to be loved, to be needed, to be validated, to be some one special, to have a purpose, and to feel proud.
So many things, but all I need is one, Jesus.
I know He loves me deeply.
So I trust Him.
Tonight I ask Him to meet me, meet my need.
I know that He will and that eases the ache of my disappointment, frustration and hurt.
He is my Healer.
I don't know about you, but I need a Healer.

9 comments:

Booklover1212 said...

Miranda - My heart aches for you right now. I wish I could say or do something to make it all go away. Stay strong, keep the faith, and know that you are in my prayers.

~ Jennifer
http://thetoyboxyears.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

I love you, and thank you for sharing this. I have felt the way you feel, dealing with having kids in the midst of a sleep disorder,and other health things over the entire course of my married life...I have echoed many of your thoughts in my own mind over the years, you are not alone!
I am so thrilled about the place He has brought you spiritually in this painful time; it is the same place I am, and it is wonderful! It is awesome because it's worth losing everything to truly find Him. When you are whole again physically, your life will never be the same as it was!
I didn't know you were going through 5 days of quarantine. I have a couple of books that I have literally lived on for the past year, and I would like to bring them by if you are interested!
Email me or call if you want, Miranda, I would love to share these books with you in this time! my number is 270-734-5225, and my email is lyndsaytaylor@mac.com
Much much love to a beautiful, sweet, creative, mom.
Love,
Lyndsay

leah leah said...

Oh Miranda.... my heart just goes out to you. I don't have any words of wisdom or insight... just my love! Love ya, girlie! And please know that you have been on my heart and mind for the past 5 days! <3 {HUGS}

Barbie said...

I am praying God will continue to strengthen you, and continue to take you deeper in His love during this time. I don't know why these things have happened to you, why you've been allowed to be so afflicted, if only to take you deeper. Be strong precious daughter of the King!

Bonnie said...

What a great post, in the midst of it all, it's a great post.

Thank you for being you, honest, God loving you.

As always in my prayers.

Eleana said...

Oh Miranda! I feel for you. Stay strong, my thoughts are with you.

Carrie said...

Miranda,
Hang in there - - that is in the hands of our Loving God. I wish I could make everything all better for my "Little Princess".

Love You,
Dad

Sharon said...

Thank you for sharing so beautifully about your struggles. You are refreshingly honest. We all need that! God can do a lot with a heart like yours.

Praying that you will be feeling better soon and be reunited with your lovely family quickly.

Sharon

Anonymous said...

even i need jesus quickly..regards rajiv