Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Struggling

It's hard, I'm still tired.
Bethany's eardrum re-ruptured from infection.
The grass needs mowing.
Joe is being Mr. Mom and Soccer Dad to not only our three little ones, but to our friends daughter that we had committed to care for while her parents are on vacation.
The sink is full of dirty dishes.
Jenna has an ear infection.
The house is still for sale, and suddenly getting more attention than ever before.
My children's drawers and closets are spilling out with summer and winter clothing.
Life goes on, and I'm still here, in bed, out of commission, on Mono vacation.

More tired than I was last week even.

Last week I kinda felt settled into resting and getting better. I trusted and believed that this is where God has me right now. I focused on the lessons and the growth I experienced. Somewhere between last week and this week, I took my eyes off Jesus and started doubting.
I've been trying to take back the control and questioning His purpose. I'm suddenly guilt ridden again and scavenging for something I can do to contribute to our life. Thinking, "I have to be productive!" I'm tapping my foot saying, "Okay God, time's up! Let's get a move on this!"
A sweet friend {check out her great blog and listen to her music} lent me a book to read, I've been slowly trying to let it sink into my heart and grasp the words forever. Here is a quote that has me convicted,

The lusting mind gropes for explanations...
"I will trust if I can only understand."

By asking the question we are demanding that God win-
not our approval - but our consent.
We must authorize His actions.

If I were God, I'd make it all so clear, explain myself so I'd be loved...
But God is not a God who stoops
to get permission for His actions.
Martha Kilpatrick ~ All and Only

This time has many struggles, but I am trusting in the One who never fails me, though I fail Him over and over.

4 comments:

{Kimber} said...

still praying for you! :)

Barbie2365 said...

I am so sorry you've been struggling with this so long. I pray for moments of refreshment and unexplainable joy to overcome you. Swift healing to you!

Bonnie said...

I know this a tough place for you to be right now. From my angle I read in your writing that you are still learning something and feeling blessed in some way...that is what matters right? Find the joy no matter what find the joy.

Susan Tipton said...

Thank you for writing this. I love the quote.

I too want to "understand" what God is doing in my life in order to approve of it and be at peace about it. The arrogance of that is astounding.

Thankfully, God loves his children and is unbelievably patient.