Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Something to think about

I have struggled with publishing a post such as this for weeks now.  I feel like I'm usually pretty open and honest on my blog, but somehow this seems very private and I'm not even really sure why.  It feels as if God has taken my heart, ripped off all that deeply and securely covered the surface, and now my heart is bear.  All I want to do it cover it back over again, to run and hide like Adam and Eve in the garden. After taking the time to sit and write it out for my own personal reflection, I decided that maybe it will be an encouragement to some one else, so here goes. . .
Pregnancy has a why of scraping back the callousness of my heart, emotions flow freely and I am moved in ways that usually don't happen.  In past pregnancies, these emotions were channeled out of self, they poured from fear of life change, insecurity of birthing a baby, hurt from family circumstances, or worry of an unhealthy baby.  This pregnancy however they are channeled by a Father who is breaking my heart.  My heart is hurting for others, compassion has taken on a new life within my heart.
This all started earlier in the summer when God opened my eyes to see how I inwardly viewed others.  I realized my pride and judgmental attitude in thinking that I was better than many.  I felt I was better because I chose to be or better because I tried harder. When simply put, it's obvious how wrong this thinking is.  I didn't even realize I was living that way until the Lord revealed it to me.  He made it clear to me that I was avoiding people, I didn't like certain people, and I was easily annoyed by people.  I felt I had many justified reasons for feeling this way but the truth was they were hurting or broken.  When I viewed them in this way, I could relate and viewed them as nothing less than my equal.  I too can be in that state at any moment, I too have been though times for pain and desperately needed someone to physically be the hands and feet of Jesus.
A couple days later, I opened my Bible to read James 2, it was exactly what God had been showing me was buried deep in my heart.  I had forsaken the fruit of my faith!  Somewhere I bought into a lie from Satan. I believed I had to do big things for God, adopt a child, be a missionary or get it right raising my children and anything less was really not that important.  I was pouring all of myself into my own family.  Out of selfishness and fear, I felt that I had to devote everything I had into my children and my marriage.  I do not want to say they shouldn't be first priority in my life, they will always be, but anything outside of them I had no time for.  I explained it to a friend like this, "I feel like I have to steroid shoot my children up with everything God wants and has for them, I have to raise them up to be mighty men and women of God.  If I allow anything else to take my time, then I will fail."  {As if their spiritual maturity lies solely on my shoulders!  Sure God can use me, God wants me to devote my life and time to teaching and training them about Him. This is my life calling, but I had totally removed His ability to do it with me, or without me.}
The problem with this kind of thinking is that it isn't the kind of life Jesus lived or asks me to live.  He leaves the 99 to go after the 1. I forget that love is not limited, it's not all or nothing.  Love is abundant and the more we empty out the love He gives us, the more He will fill us anew. His command to love others as ourselves, is not exclusive to our immediate family, it includes each and every person He places in my life, no matter how long or short our encounter may last.
I missed the mission field in my own community, I missed the opportunity to be a light in the life of a child next door, anything outside my plan was not on my radar.  I put God in a box that I felt I could handle, and refused to allow Him to call me elsewhere.  I was living a life that said, "I will give you what I can, not all that you have called me to give."
This lesson continues to grow in ways that I don't have time to write.  The more I try to grasp my need for this change, the more daunting that change seems to be.  This kind of renewing my mind is life transforming and certainly not what comes natural to me.  It isn't simply seeing my fault that changes my heart, it is walking out a new way of life.
I'm not sure how to get from the ah-ha moment to the life lived differently.  I don't know exactly how all this looks and works lived out in my life, but I desperately want to change and am choosing to love beyond the walls of my own home. . .

8 comments:

The De Witts said...

Miranda,
This is awesome! I too have had many "ah-ha" moments and for me they are usually painful, but he makes beauty from ashes. We are growing and that is so exciting.
Love ya,
Mick

etownpartyshop said...

Miranda,
Life can bring many ah-ha moments. It sounds like you are living a good life for God, for your children, for your husband, and for yourself. I think that in being a good person and teaching good values that you do go outside of the home. Your family takes those values with them out into the world with them. There are many ways to love God and Gods children, but dont let your heart be heavy if something gets by you. You never know what the purpose was for something you may have missed. There are treasures all around us, so rejoice in those that you now love and in those that you will love. Be the best person that you can be and be proud of all the good that you do.
Donna

MaryBeth said...

The little boy next door might be your gift from God or God's gift to you, you never know. I think you are doing exactly what is wanted from you.

Kristan said...

Amazingly beautiful. Satan makes you feel exposed or vulnerable when you open your heart and give God all the glory and share how He works in your life. This is because it is the BEST witness. I have been learning that sharing my sanctification and being an open book is a much better witness for God's mercy than pretending to have a perfect life. I love the song by Vota-- Honeslty. Listen to it sometime.

Kristan said...

In my comment-- it sounded like I thought you were portraying a "perfect life"-- it was about me. I tried for so long to hide what I had been and my true sinful nature and how God is lifting me from the pit... but no more! :)

Kristen said...

I am so thankful for ah-ha moments like this. You live and you learn and it sounds like that is what you are doing. <3

joykay said...

Beautifully written...and, yes, this has truly helped that "someone else" you mentioned.

{Kimber} said...

thank you for sharing such a personal struggle...you are an inspiration to me, if I've never told you that, you are.