Friday, March 11, 2011

Sometimes I talk too much

It's been one of those days. Where no one gets along, they have hit and spit, yelled at and scratched each other way too many times to recount. Sometimes we all just need to pull up a corner and evaluate our hearts, me included.
First things first, I am alive and well.  I've been alive all during this blogging disappearance, but certainly not well.  I don't even want to talk about it really, I have so many other things on my mind.  We have never all been sick for such a long time.  It was dreadful.  All in all, we went through 4 big boxes of Kleenex tissues, 4 bottles of children's Mucinex, 2 bottles of children's Motrin, 2 bottles of Motrin for Joe and I, 1 bottle of Mucinex for Joe, 3 different types of nasal sprays, 5 antibiotic prescriptions for everyone except Brady, 2 sinus infections, 3 ear infections with 1 ruptured eardrum, 2 trips to urgent care, 1 trip to the pediatricians office, we missed church 3 Sundays straight and we ran 2 humidifiers constantly for 2 weeks.  And we survived!  Can you hear the music?!  The sun is shining today, it's Friday and for the first time in weeks I can say we are ready for the weekend!
Needless to say, I haven't had much time or energy to think about blogging, or bathing, or cleaning my house, or taking pictures.  It's been a needed break despite the illness.  Prior to my MIA, I was worried about how I come across here.  I go through this struggle every so often.
My thoughts go something like this: Why do I blog?  What do people think of me?  Is it completely selfish of me to put a blog out here?  Do I come across as a know-it-all?  Am I promoting self more than Christ?  In light of eternity is there a better why to use my time?
I feel pressured at times to blog often because people expect it.  I look at my statistics and think, "How many views have I had?  How many followers?  Could I get paid advertisements for supplemental income?  How could I get more followers?"
Then I ask myself, "What are you thinking, Crazy Woman?!!" 
Sometimes I wish I didn't have any followers, that this place was truly just for me and my little way of recording life as a Jesus lover, as a wife and as a mother. I have seriously thought maybe I should pull anchor and just disappear to another secret place online and keep my life to myself.
Then after prayer, truly evaluating my motives and talking it over with Joe I come back to the same conclusion as I always have.  This is my little place to record my daily, weekly or monthly thoughts and feelings about our life.  I write when I want to, what I want to, write about.  I come and go as I please.  This is about me doing something for myself.  Writing brings me enjoyment and satisfaction, not followers or statistics.  I'm not blogging for a book deal or a part time job.  I do this because I love it.
The people who come here are an unexpected bonus I never planned on, but I'm glad God did.  I really do have some amazing people who come here and encourage me.  I appreciate you all so much.  You all aren't just a number on Sitemeter, or a statistic on a graph for the month, you are friends and family that share our life.
Whether others comment and email words of understanding, or silently laugh at our life, or shake their head in agreement or disapproval, or roll their eyes at me, that's their point of view.  I would hope if I'm that irritating they'd  move on to a blog they relate with better.
I pray that what I share is an honest account of a life striving to become more like Christ, despite being in constant need of His grace and forgiveness.  I am nothing without him.  I also pray that my readers will remember this a blog and that it certainly doesn't capture all of who we are and everything we do.  This is just bits and pieces, and definitely more of the highlights than the shortcomings and struggles that abide in all homes and families.
So, {dusting off my hands} how 'bout we get off this merry-go-round!  My head is spinning just rehashing all my thoughts.  Inside my brain is a crazy place, huh!?
BradyBoy turned 3 months old on Sunday!  He is just the sweetest boy, I love him beyond words.  Everyday I think to myself how he was so worth the 10, long, weary, slow moving months of misery. He is growing and healthy.  We are so blessed.
One year ago tomorrow, my niece Mylee was born.  It's a day I'll never forget.  Her first birthday brings with it a fresh remembrance of emotions of where I was then.  It seems longer than a year ago to me.
I had been so sick for so long, I wasn't even sure what was more to blame mono, hypothyroidism or anemia.  Actually, I was beginning to doubt any of them were to blame and wondered if I was going be well again, ever.  Was it even possible?
I was better than I had been, but deep down I didn't know if I really was getting better or it was just me convincing myself I was better.  I was pushing myself to take care, hold on, get through, be a mom and be a wife.  Inwardly, I was just as weak and tired as I was outwardly and it felt like I was slipping away.  I was depleted, drained and empty.  I wanted to be some one I couldn't.  I wanted to be energetic, to be active and social, to be a fun mom and wife again.
I will never forget holding my newborn niece, in awe of God's generous gift.  I silently told God, "You know I want another baby.  I don't deserve another baby, I've already had 3.  You have been so abundant to Joe and I.  Who am I to cry out to you for another child, when many of our dearest friends and family are believing you for their first?"
Later that night I sat in my sister-in-law's hospital room next to my mom.  I expressed my feelings to her and my fear that I would never be able to experience having another baby of my own because my health was a wreck.  I didn't know if it was possible.  Encouraging me as only a mother can, my mom listened.  I remember tears seeping out despite my effort to hold them back.
You all know how good God is!  You know the ending already, to my amazement at the time and my humbling today, I became pregnant within days of that prayer.  There are no words to describe how good God is...and how undeserving I am of His goodness.
Psalm 13:5-6
But I trust in your unfailing love;
   my heart rejoices in your salvation.  
I will sing the LORD’s praise,
   for he has been good to me. 
I have said enough, this is why I should blog more often, it's less chaotic!  Happy Friday, Happy weekend, and most of all Happy first Birthday to my sweet niece Mylee!!

11 comments:

Catherine Anne said...

Just the post I needed to catch up here~ I love the REAL in your blogging. Blessings Catherine

Devon said...

And sometimes you talk just enough. :) It's good to hear things are going better for you all. Hope you have a fabulous weekend!

Eleana said...

Thank-you for your honest writing and thoughts. First off, I'm glad to hear that your family is on the mend. I did notice a lapse in new posts from you but I know that life is busy and there are other things for you to do, especially taking care of your loved ones. I am familiar with the feeling of pressure to write since we have family that live away from us and they seem to depend on my blog for updates but they understand and know that real life comes first. I came across your blog and ended up following you because in many ways, I recognized a kindred spirit and it was nice to know that out there in the wide world there was another person who often feel as I do. I love reading about the experiences that you go through and the amazing love that shines through your writing. I hope you do continue your blog - as much as I love reading it - more for yourself than anything else.

~Mom~ said...

So glad you are back and feeling better. I have missed you.
I Love you!

Wanting What I Have said...

I am so glad you are all well! We have been beat over here, too! Hope you all enjoy the weekend!

PS I am glad for the reminder that sometimes, corner time is good! :)

Sidnie said...

I am in love with that picture of your littles in their corners. Not because they're in corners, but it's beautiful. And I too find myself wanting a time out through out the day to re-focus.
I am glad that y'all are well...I will pray that the sickness stays away and that y'all can enjoy spring when it comes. Soon. Soon, I hope.
Brady is growing up. He's pure cuteness.
God is so good. All the time.
I've been struggling with dark places here lately. And He shows me the light, every day. Every day, He shows up.
Thank you for your sweet encouragement on my blog. I have always appreciated your words, whether here or in a comment or email. Sometimes I feel as though I share the bad, negative, gloomy parts too much. But then I remember that it's my space. Just like you, sometimes I wish I didn't have followers. It's amazing how different our lives are, but also, the same. Our fears. Our struggles. Our thoughts.
Praying for you, Miranda.
xoxo

Christina said...

I love reading your blogs! It is a peaceful place where I can feel like hey, there is someone out there in the same place as me at times. (We are in the midst of the snot-fest right now ourselves, and probably going to miss church again tomorrow, too, which I'm sorry about, but really, do I want to infect everyone there?)
I'm glad you are all feeling better. It gives me hope our own day will soon be here. LOL

BARBIE said...

I love visiting your blog. It's one of the first blogs I remember following. I love that you are always real, and you never talk too much. And your blog just that -- YOUR BLOG! Blog when you want and visit others when you want. No pressure to be like anyone else.

So thankful you are all feeling better. You've been through too much any momma should have to go through.

Praying you have a wonderful weekend.

Lyndsay Taylor said...

Hey girl! I haven't been blogging a lot lately either: just life spinning around. We went through our lot of sickness last couple of months as well. But I wanted to tell you, your blog is a blessing to those who read it. It is a joy to see beauty, we all need it, and honestly, your family, voice, thoughts, pictures, and decisions in life are beautiful. I feel how you feel with your questions, and for me I feel that way when it comes to CDs/songwriting sometimes--by making a CD or doing a concert am I saying that I think I'm great and people ought to listen to me?? No. We all are putting our thoughts out there in creative ways to spur one another on, and be living examples of equal people trying to learn, love, and live for Jesus.
Thanks for sharing your life-I think bloggers have a cool community and for stay at home moms, we need community!.
One more thing, I watched Despicable Me last night and the little girl with the pink toboggan reminds me SO much of Jenna! Cute :)
Hope you all enjoy good health and spring soon!!

Nate and Erin said...

So glad you guys are feeling better! I'm glad you blog for yourself and I am glad you share it. I love being connected to what is going on in your lives. =) Also glad God blessed you guys with Brady. I will finally get to hold him very soon- yay! yay! yay! Love you guys! Oh- M had her 12 month appointment today and the sheet they gave us with tips said that she was ready for time-outs. I just laughed at the thought of putting her in a corner and her actually staying there! haha!

Jenn said...

I'm so glad your family is well! We had the same thing happen around here. The kids first and then me. It was horrid!!!! I'm glad I wasn't the only one missing in action for a few weeks.

I LOVE your blog and am so thrilled that I came across it. You are an amazing mom and a huge encouragement to me in homeschooling! You speak just the right amount of words and definitely glorify the Lord in all you do. Keep it up!!!!