Wednesday, June 1, 2011

More confessions

Colossians 3:17
Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way. {Message}

I haven't lost sight of the gift of motherhood.  It's the greatest  blessing, that I don't ever want to take for granted.  It brings me so much joy and fulfillment.  There is nothing else I would rather do than stay-at-home with my 4 children, I am thankful for their lives and the way they've changed mine. My children are priceless treasures that I love with all my heart and every ounce of myself.  Nothing any of them could ever do could change that.
What I am about to say does not make me a bad mother.  It does not mean I don't love them or I regret being their mother.  Never.
Some days though, I just want to get away.  To stay up all night because I want to, and sleep all day because I can.  I want to sit in silence and not worry, "Why, is the house so quiet?  What kind of trouble is going on?!".  I want to talk without losing my train of thought.  I haven't held a fully comprehensive conversation in years. Now it's to the point that even if my kids aren't around to interrupt, I automatically pause and stop talking just because I'm trained that way.  I want to eat and taste my food, rather than swallow it whole because some one needs seconds or the baby is crying and needs to be held.  I want to take a bath and leave the door open and no one come in crying.  I want to clean a closet and organize it perfectly because I have time to change it over and over until I get it right.  I want to play a piece of music on the piano without an accompaniment of lower bass notes or high treble keys. I want to pick up a toy and it stay picked up longer than 5 minutes.  I want to be alone and I want to be alone with my husband.
Some days, I just want to scream.  I want to tell the world, "I don't have it all together!  Just because I have 4 kids doesn't mean I'm patient or that my kids are perfect!  Don't ask me how I do it, because I have no clue how I do it!?"
Some days, I just want to have a pity party.  But when I think about it, I really don't have reason to have a pity party.  My 3 year old is testing my patience and if you don't have a 3 year old you have no clue what that is like.  It's beyond words to me right now. I have to remind myself that no one has died, my house didn't get blown away by a tornado, our bills are paid, I can do this motherhood thing.
I pray and take lots of deep breaths.  I discipline her.  I refocus and reaffirm her.  I hug her more often, I talk about listening to the little voice in her heart.  She is trying more, she obeys sometimes.  How I hate it when she doesn't.  It's exhausting for us both and I so want to see her get it.
Some days, I want freedom to go and do something else besides this.  I want to do something that others will appreciate.  I desperately wanted to go do something to help with the devastation of recent tornadoes.  Some days I want to be involved in a ministry that others will pat me on the back for.  I want to give of my time and talents where they are needed.  Some days I want some one to say, "Wow, thanks!  We couldn't make it without you!  You are such a great help."  Some days I want to run off and change the world.
Motherhood is hard.  Perhaps the hardest thing about it is all the work that goes unseen, unappreciated, unacknowledged. Running bathwater to rinse off a child covered in purple marker isn't changing the world.  Fixing peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch {again} won't bring me a note of thanks in the church bulletin.
Some days, I have to tell myself this if my grand purpose.  To serve the ungrateful, to train the resistant, to face my lack of grace and mercy, my lack of being perfect.  To learn more of who God is, so that I can be more like Him.  The lessons of motherhood are harder than the ones my mother taught me.  All this that I do everyday is not without purpose, it all has meaning.  As I am shaping, I am being shaped.
I've had a pretty rotten attitude today.  Stinkin' attitude.  All because I didn't get to organize our schoolroom like I want to, because I had children fighting, teething, hungry, coloring their arm and the walls, pulling every last thing out of their dresser, cutting paper into itty-bitty pieces, throwing fits...I truly can't even remember all the reasons why.  There is too much going on in my day to recount much of it.  I'm so thankful for a husband that takes my word when I say, "I didn't have time to...scrape the rice crispy's off the table...put away the laundry...make the bed...pick my clothes up off the floor...brush my teeth...take a shower..."
I have an amazing husband who comes home from work and tells my I'm beautiful, when truthfully I stink of baby puke and am frumpy as frumpy can be.  He tells me it's fine when the lunch mess is still out and supper hasn't even been started.  He listens to my incomprehensible conversations of who said what and who hit who and why I didn't get more accomplished and how I started that and then some hit hit the other one and then the baby woke up fussy and all I've done is hold him.  "What is wrong with me??", I ask.   "Why can't I get more done, where do all the hours go!?"  And he listens and reassures me that I'm perfectly normal and I'm doing my best and that is amazing.
Some days, I just have to get it all out.  Vent it out, talk it out and come full circle to realize I really don't want to be anywhere else or do anything else.  My life's work is hard and it is unrecognized and misunderstood by many, but it's where God has me, this is His plan for me.  I am changing lives, 4.  And who knows, maybe they will change the world.
My mother shaped my life into who I am today.  Her work was not in vain, maybe 50 years from now there will be 50 more Christians who live lives pleasing to the Lord because of the lessons I'm learning and teaching now.
Some days I just need a minute to blog...


Wanting What I Have said...

:) You hit the nail on the head! I think we ALL feel this way at times. I've been pleading with the Lord to change my heart in some if these very same areas. Hang in there. This work is NOT in vain! He is using you to shape four sweet little lives and that work IS eternal! He sees every bath you draw to wash purple marker off, every diaper you change, every toy you pick up. He knows all and He is glorified when we do all things to His honor. You are an amazing Mama. Keep up the kingdom work!

Anonymous said...

Yep, you're "normal" and think the same thoughts as every other Mom out there! BTW, I comletely understand about feeling like you want to invest in a ministry. I constatly battle that, especially with N being a youth-minister and feeling an expectation to help with the youth- which I do, but my help is so very limited. However, just like you, I just have to remind myself that my mission is to raise up God-fearing children who will leave their footprint on this world and through that I am leaving min. That is something that is no easy task and involves full, long-term commitment. Have a great day! ~Erin

OneMommy said...

I wouldn't give it up, either. But I, too, have moments I'd like to get away. Sometimes I'm jealous my husband gets to go to work. LOL.

Stopping by to tell you that you have been chosen for the Versatile Blogger Award. Stop by to check it out!

Bonnie said...

I too understand. Like the fellow Moms stated above, HE sees all that you do and HE is patting you on the back.

I love your transparency. Thank you too. I always learn something from your posts.

Bryony Peters said...

I can SO identify. It was what I needed to hear this week. I know I often take out my frustrations on the kids, too, when I feel I haven't been able to accomplish much! My uncle sent me a poem "The Invisible Mother" about a month ago and it really meant a lot to me. Have you read it?