He doesn't care, he would rather sit atop the table playing with his Matchbox car.
There are toys scattered and strewn, toys I'd hoped to have organized and simplified before our life gets crazier and busier and I have less time, and patience, to think about toys, toys, toys.
I could clean my bathrooms if I really cared, or vacuum or mop the crumbs off the table and floor one more time. I just really don't have the energy, I'm indifferent.
Time is ticking off, 6 AM is coming and I move no more hurried than I did yesterday or the day before. I just want to sit and snuggle up my 16 month old baby a few more times, kiss his cheeks and listen to the kids play hide and seek. They are excited, to go to Mamma's house for several days and nights, they aren't concerned that when they return their life will be crazier, they trust that we'll be just fine.
I need to do so much, to get ready, to have everything perfect, to be perfect.
The task before me today, tomorrow, forever with five, is hugely exciting, and scary, and daunting.
A cloud has hung the past day, full of doubts and full of tears for no real good reason. There is fear, fear that I will not be enough.
These days this week have been some of the slowest, ever, I'd really like to just have skipped them, because I know tomorrow will better and sweeter. But God has me here for a reason.
I forget to sit and truly deal with what needs to be dealt with, me. To focus on what God is trying to teach me, here, today.
What I really needed to do most today, was sit and pray and be really honest with the One person who gets this messy-mix of hormonal emotions. Who knows my heart is full of joy, though outwardly there are tears. I just need to tell Him, "I trust you." and thank Him for already meeting all my needs, all of them today, and tomorrow, and next week, and with life with five little ones. I trust that I can do this with Him, because of Him. We will take this one day at a time, one prayer at a time.
‘Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’