Wednesday, July 25, 2012

A bit of reality

Matthew 6:21
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. 

It's almost 8PM and Brady is in bed, have I said that he is a handful?! We are currently in a very intense season of Toilet Wars. This is our household's fourth season of Toilet Wars, Bethany, Joseph and Jenna they all went through it, battling toddlers playing in the toilet.  Fun for them, not for me.  This is the hardest toilet battle fought to date, because this time around it's not just Joe and I responsible for keeping bathroom doors closed. There are 3 other very irresponsible people going in and out of bathrooms all day long and most assuredly leaving the doors open behind them.

We caught Brady in the potty 3 times today, first offense he ruined an entire roll of toilet paper by tossing it in the toilet, maybe he wanted to know if it would float. Second offense was dipping a toothbrush and enjoying watching it drip, while walking around the house.  Third offense was filling the potty with tiny bits, many tiny bits of toilet paper, then throwing them on the walls. I kid you not!!

Anne will be 3 months old tomorrow. 3 months of life busier than ever, life is so crazy with 5 little people. It's good but crazy.  Crazy busy, crazy constant, crazy loud, crazy hectic, crazy CRAZY. Our home life is crazy, and that seems to be the only life we have anymore. We are home much of the time.There are many things we simply can't do with so many little ones, some things aren't safe, some aren't feasible, some aren't pleasant and some aren't reasonable. This is just the season we are in.  We try to push ourselves to do what things we can do even though it might be more difficult or a greater sacrifice, but it's all very much planned out.  The pros and cons are weighed before we decide to do anything or go anywhere.  We are a troop now, sometimes it feels like we are very imposing wherever we go.

There is no Me Time at the moment. This mommy is always needed by someone, some where. The days are long and the nights are long if they are sleepless, they are too short if they are restful. The kids go to bed and if I'm fortunate and Anne is down for the night before midnight, I can't sleep.  To sit and do nothing for no one is too tempting. Sleep or alone time, it's always a wonderful hard decision. My body needs sleep, it constantly reminds me of how many years of sleep I've lost. For my mental and emotional health though, enjoying a quiet house with Joe is worth the extra loss of sleep.

I keep thinking life will calm again, that a new rhythm will flow soon.  It's slow coming, subtle, so very subtle. Anne doesn't have a dependable schedule yet, her naps are irregular and her bedtime is random. We are working on it but it's difficult.  I know with time it will happen though.

School is starting back. I'm hoping to get a few days in next week as we ease into it full force the following week. That's gonna take this life to a whole new level of crazy. The thought of Joe going back to work and doing this alone is daunting. The thought of adding school to the madness is insane. I really and truly don't know how bad it's gonna get without Joe's extra set of hands all day. I don't doubt that I can do it, but it's not going to be easy. Anne is used to having one of us able to hold her when she wants held. Brady is a full time job, by himself, for 2 adults easy. The older kids are busy and always leaving something out for smaller hands and making messes that overtake the house.

This is life, we are a family, a big one. I wouldn't have it any other way, but I can only take one day at a time. Some days, one moment at a time. It's alot of work, alot of selflessness. And I'm not saying I am always up for the challenge but I don't really have a choice.

I'm afraid to admit my struggles on the blog sometimes.  I'm afraid it will be agreeing with people who judge and say that we don't have enough. You know people think it, we don't have enough time for all these little lives, we don't have enough money to support them all, we can't give this many children all that they need. I couldn't disagree more, just because it's hard work and sacrificial doesn't mean it's not worth every single alone time minute shared.

The bottom line is I write these little bits of reality when I'm able or out of necessity for my sanity.  Currently I'm typing for the latter. A mommy needs to vent now and then, to work out all that's inside. Things make more sense when I work through them on paper and I always come back knowing that it's okay.  It's okay to be overwhelmed by life, it's okay to need step back and take a breather. I realize I can't write how chaotic these days are, I can't say how busy I am, I do and go and then go again. It monotonous, the same chores over and over, day in, day out. But this is life, and what a better way to spend a life than by pouring my time and energy into little hearts, hearts that are eternal.

Our pastor preached about family on Sunday. I'll be honest, it was another one of those sermons I wrestled through, literally. Not because of the text but because we have a 30 lb, 19 month old boy who currently hates nursery. It's a long story that I don't have time to type but he's at the stage of not wanting to be left in nursery, but also not wanting to sit quietly in church, he wants to roam the sanctuary and quite possibly would run all over the stage if we let him. So I was very distracted and in and out, I did however get that he was talking about laying up treasure in heaven. There isn't anything we can take with us from this life into eternity. The only thing that is eternal is our souls. Preaching out of Matthew 6 he talked about laying up treasure and our treasure being our family.

My heart is here, fully. That is enough. That trumps everything, it trumps not having enough time, not having enough money, not being enough. This is my life, the one God planned out and asked me to live. It's not easy but who's life is easy. It's hard but I know it could be so much harder. It's full of joy and full of pleasure. Full of sacrifices but all worth making. I am not enough, I fail. We all do. God is here to help and direct and refresh and that is the best part of all.
With Him all will be worthwhile.


Sarah Ray said...

Thank you for your honesty, Miranda:) I think that every mom feels that way at times.. I know I do and I only have 2... But one thing that I've learned over the years is that being a mom is a huge sacrifice! You give up your body, your sanity, and the things that you enjoy to be able to love and raise your little ones... It's hard, hard because you truly do have to die to yourself everyday, but in the end it's soo worth it...

leah leah said...

I needed to hear this today- thank you. <3 You are stronger & wiser then you realize, girlie!!

Miranda said...

Thanks for commenting Sarah! Great to hear from you!!

Miranda said...

Thanks for your sweet encouragement!! Love you!!